Alone but Good

I think I have to make it on my own this time.  Leave behind the world and start fresh.  Alone, separate, on my own two feet without.....connection, hurt, nor pain.  


Separate without jealousy, greed, or fear.
Without resentment.  
Without feeling like I am losing every time.


Alone but good.

Choices

Where do you go when it all hurts?  I want to run so far and so away from everyone and everything I know and start with a blank slate.  Start with me and only me.  Live in the woods, alone, with sweet dogs.  Leave people out of the equation.  Read, breathe, sing, sleep.  Me, alone for a long while.  Then I could guarantee there would be no hurt just loneliness, but no hurt.

Fighting the Good Fight

Sometimes fighting the good fight is over rated.  Not every good fight is a worthwhile fight.  Every once in awhile the very fact that you are fighting is the problem.  The warrior striding out into battle, never lays his weapon down, because if in fact they did, the likelihood is that they would become the martyr.  The separation of the cause.  

Nothing would change, you would be standing in the battlefield without deflection.  Without safety, without defense.  The only course of action at that point would be accept it all, accept the defeat or the oncoming situation as it were.  Accept that you are powerless or in your sacrifice could convince yourself in and of itself was powerful.

Accept the fact that nothing would ever change.  Nothing would ever be any different whether you fought the good fight or ended the good fight.  A sacrifice.  A simple event.

Or is that giving up after dreaming, living the Warrior's Way?  To what end will we come to in this acceptance of this world.  What happens when the fighter stops the fight?

Ways of the Zen Master

Life is humbling.  People are fickle.  Our minds wrapped in a million directions at once how can you trust in words?  How can you trust in self judgment and betterment, without leaving yourself to the wayside?  How many learning experiences must be passed through before the learning is done, before the lesson is no longer a lesson but the practice of the Zen Master.  And to think we would ever be the master of anything other then our own conscience?  Of our own breath? Of our own heart beating?  We can't even master that.

The only thing right now that is solid, resolute, unchanging are the necks of the dogs I have wrapped myself around, to bask only in their love.  That is real and in exchange I get to take the best care of them that a human possibly can.  I am the Zen Master of scooping dog poop and that is enough.

To tomorrow, that life will be just that, beautiful, solid, resolute..........

www.roamthewoods.com

Understanding

I don't understand what to say to someone when a loved one dies.  It will be okay, with time.  I'm sorry.  I'm here.  All sometimes inadequate, to the grief you feel on your own trying to poorly console, share a chocolate donut.  I'm sorry reaches no bounds, does not touch the feeling of wanting to make it right, with no right answer.
I love you.  What next?  Grief's knife etches brilliant patterns across salty tears tonight.  Somewhere, everywhere.  Here.  Not my own grief but shared in the million mistakes I have made, alongside of the good I have tried to wrought.  Here in pieces tonight, it burns my eyes.

www.roamthewoods.com

Ode for Siletta

Time is fleeting.  We all know this.  "Live everyday as if it was your last", self help books catch phrase, all lined up in perfect rows, hogging bookshelves.  It is hard to live this, we embrace the normalcy of every day, as if every day that followed will be just another day.  In which although our lives are not perfect there is enough good, to lead us on another day.  Enough bad that we can leave behind and hope or create a tomorrow that is a little better.  Or at least the same. 

We can seek comfort in those things that do not change.  We seek comfort in the fluffy fur of our true best friends, the ones that pass no judgement and hold no grudges.  The ones that rain or shine, end up on our doorsteps, on the edge of the bed imploring us to love them like they love us.

So in the end, cry.  Let the life they lead be honored and valued, let your love truly be that love without bounds.  Love that does not shift nor end, love for a best friend with sleek fur.

www.roamthewoods.com

Your on Your Own

This is Scooter, one of my favorite girls from New Hampshire.  Super shy, stayed one of those last nights cause she got off and I was the only one there that she would come back to. 

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
— Dr. Seuss
www.roamthewoods.com

What is Contentment?

You would think with a snoring pit bull next to me named Deja life would be perfect.

It is never what it seems and never quite as simple as we think.

It is in these waiting spaces where I think.  When the wanderings come to an end for a second and I wonder how much have I lost, by jumping, living, waiting, thinking, wasting.......

Where am I really is this waiting space?

www.roamthewoods.com

Watching a Train Wreck

Wish I could be as composed as Jack when watching a train wreck about to happen and not wanting to be part of it.  To make a long story short, things got bad here at Smuggler's very quickly and took a turn for the worse on Monday then continued to plummet.  The lack of communication as well as blatant disregard for my need to make arrangements to get out of here played into all of this.  What it came down to was the fact that I didn't want to see either a dog get hurt or a guest get hurt and needed to take care of myself at this point rather then trying to be polite to the company.  I screwed myself over staying that extra night to get Scooter, skittish dog that typically comes up to me, that had gotten off and was hanging around the kennel causing pandemonium as any loose dog will.  Made plans with the owners on what the plan of action was for that week, then heard through the grape vine that they had changed there minds again and no one had seen it fit to let me know.  Meanwhile, I am now trying to plan my flight/bus out from Gorham, NH instead of Burlington, VT when they have decided to stay here so it will be Burlington.  At this point I had enough.  No matter how calm and rational a person is they can only deal with someone jerking them around so much.  So essentially called the boss, left him a message told him where I was at mentally and that I was done, told him to call me back if he wanted to.  Essentially, nothing  came of either of these things.  He called back was angry essentially felt like I was the one jerking him around, too bad we can't see things from other people's point of view...it would be a glorious thing in this case.  In the end at least we agree about something, if you want to leave, leave which was perfect because that was what I had being trying to say the whole time.  Needless, to say it was a long night in which thankfully some security guards took pity on me so I could secure plans to get of here today.  So I should at least be starting my venture home at this point.  Home...well I guess it is the next place I am going.

White Rice and Ketchup Soup

Gretchen and her food bowl are inseparable.  The last couple weeks have been crazy.  I have put in my two weeks notice here at the kennel for a variety of reasons.  What it came down to was running dogs has always been the icing on the cake, and I can't run these dogs, with our Christmas rush their attitude toward running become more of "work" rather then "play" and I can't "drive" sled dogs ( sled dogs always drive you)  that don't have there hearts into the run, if they are hiding in the house when I come around with a harness or are lack luster during the run and after the run, guess what they don't want to run and I am not the person to run them.

So now, I am biding my time trying to keep what heart I have left in it for the dogs and to extract myself as painlessly as possible for the dog's sake.  What is around the corner, I honestly don't know.  I finally got a good fortune cookie, though, so things are looking up.  It was quite fitting for this endeavor I find myself in:  People will not be envious of the life you lead, but they will be proud of you.  Whether I care what people think or not,  it is valid in this situation, who will envy a job less person at this point?  But there is still the category of pride for holding true to personal values.

So a new adventure awaits, perhaps the simple adventure of white rice & ketchup soup for awhile.............