Wish I had the answer to this question.  What next?  I've had enough emotion this year, to make every small detail of my life seem like a monumental instance and every choice the most important decision of my life.

Time passes.  Things sometimes get better, things sometimes get worse.  The world still sits, moves, and breathes.  You still sit, move, and breathe.  Now for re-creation of spirit.  We are waiting.

Love is infinitely vulnerable...so much that when you rip love, what comes out of the tear is more love.

	-Anonymous www.roamthewoods.com

This will always be what I compare my mother too.

She is Wonder Woman.

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Can we imagine a new life?

Missing Lori, right now.  Miss the comfort of being alone and being able to be sad, without judgement.  Being able to try to wring what is good out of my life and focus on that.  Instead of how I  feel right now.  It is better to feel alone when you are alone, then feel alone when you are right next to people.

What next, where to, how will I weather my current storm?

Every moment becomes a complicated string of emotion, as history and past builds.  When the slate becomes blank, it fills it self up much too quickly.  Trying to walk a good path, sometimes things go a little askew.  Clarity is something set to the side, if it was ever a part of the process in the first place.  I forget myself and still am moving forward. How does this occur?

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Do you ever get transported to feeling like you are back in "small kid time"?  Not those good moments of child like wonder or innocence, if those were your experiences, instead those garbage bag full of used clothes experiences, advantage being taken of you moments for being small, for being poor, for not being fully something ever.  Unfortunate that it still happens even now....

My first large mouth bass.  He put up a good fight.  One step closer to self-sufficiency, this life too is precious.  Don't mean to make it as simple as that.  

Sometimes moving forward I feel like I am moving back.  Having dreams again is nice, but having dreams of my own are even better.  There is no waiting around for a fairy tale to happen, or all events to be perfect.  Independence seems to be left at the wayside a bit.  I don't yet know how to step forward out of this.  Out of these moments strung together.  For now much, much more good then bad.  Fluctuation is life, though.  Change is life.

Imagine separating life, into pieces and bits, bad, good, pain, emotion into snapshots of moments.  To live completely in the moment and not be the future.  To always be okay with alone except for now, this very moment.  Forget the complicated pieces, only see piercing blue eyes and snow falling.  Forget history.

Every moment is perfect.  Blank slate, drawn, laid, set.

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Man's search for meaning.

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Moments are choices pieced together to experience.

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Almost time to rest.

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If I had realized,

that I was hanging hopes for nothing,

dreaming of dreams in plural instead of singular.

If I had been myself.

I would have re-defined the art of solitude.

Instead of extending my boundaries of patience

for one person.

Testing my self worth on whims

of fickle personality.

I sold myself out a long time ago

for a chance.

A chance that was never a true chance

at anything.

Now, again, I am in the waiting space.

And I don't want to wait.

I am not fighting the good fight anymore.  I am fighting to survive.  Fighting to find out what one singular thing means to me.  Finding out it may not mean anything at all and that broken is broken.  No matter how many ways you have patched it up.  For now dreaming is a good background for living.

What next?

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I would like to know the truth.  

Not segments or fragments, that I get to piece together

to create a story.

Not minute puzzle pieces that are gaping with holes.

I want to know the whole story

so my decisions

can have a solid foundation.

Contentment

Contentment is

two memories, enjoying the Spring warmth in Kentucky, after what always seemed like a long winter.  Soaking in the sun while laying in the grass next to my brothers dog, Diega after a good run and a great game of ball throwing.

Taking a nap in the sun, on bales of hay, we just loaded by hand on to the flat bed dog truck with a friend.  The tiredness of good work, the brilliant warmth of the sun, good company, and the best sleep.

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Being alone would be okay for right now.

Perfection

I feel broken.  Yoda is unspeakably perfect in all his imperfect ways.  Broken him, no never.  He still has the capacity for love and friendship with humans, which is a lot more then I feel I have right now.

Apache Blessing

For now I have no words, but all blessings my friends.

May the sun bring you new energy by day. 

May the moon softly restore you by night. 

May the rain wash away your worries. 

May the breeze blow new strength into your being. 

May you walk gently through the world and know it's beauty all the days of your life. 

- Apache blessing

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Being human is not enough.


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Ramshackle

If things could ever find a flow, a space, a proper movement.  If the most menial task was simple without confusion, this job would be effortless.  If we didn't have to question ourselves, the motive and intent before every effort was made.  Wait for people.  This job would be with the proper amount of effort.

Thoughts

Where to next?  Hard work and sweat can only get you so far.  You could walk forever in one direction but there would be no home to go back too.  You would also eventually need to go into town for shoes.  You could try so hard until your blue in the face, with the same results.  1 + 1 does not always equal 2.  Nor does energy thrust into something require energy gained, perhaps only energy will be lost in this endeavor.  Just depends on how long before you decide it is a lost cause.  But then the question still protrudes what next?  You can't walk forever, our bodies won't allow it.  Everyone needs a home, it is now the task to create one, it will never be given, but there is the hope it can be created.

Friendship

In the words of a friend this sums it all up perfectly,  I love him in the most real way a friend can love a friend.

What now?

Life

Good old Lazer with her sunscreen on.  She lead me through a few whiteouts my first year on the mountain and always knew she would get me home.  Life is tough sometimes, watching our friends leave it is even worse, at least we are there to hold them when they pass because they deserve it.  We all want someone to be with us when we pass, holding on to the last embrace.  They have given so much.  When you want a true friend, find one in the heart of a dog.

Alone but Good

I think I have to make it on my own this time.  Leave behind the world and start fresh.  Alone, separate, on my own two feet without.....connection, hurt, nor pain.  


Separate without jealousy, greed, or fear.
Without resentment.  
Without feeling like I am losing every time.


Alone but good.

Choices

Where do you go when it all hurts?  I want to run so far and so away from everyone and everything I know and start with a blank slate.  Start with me and only me.  Live in the woods, alone, with sweet dogs.  Leave people out of the equation.  Read, breathe, sing, sleep.  Me, alone for a long while.  Then I could guarantee there would be no hurt just loneliness, but no hurt.

Fighting the Good Fight

Sometimes fighting the good fight is over rated.  Not every good fight is a worthwhile fight.  Every once in awhile the very fact that you are fighting is the problem.  The warrior striding out into battle, never lays his weapon down, because if in fact they did, the likelihood is that they would become the martyr.  The separation of the cause.  

Nothing would change, you would be standing in the battlefield without deflection.  Without safety, without defense.  The only course of action at that point would be accept it all, accept the defeat or the oncoming situation as it were.  Accept that you are powerless or in your sacrifice could convince yourself in and of itself was powerful.

Accept the fact that nothing would ever change.  Nothing would ever be any different whether you fought the good fight or ended the good fight.  A sacrifice.  A simple event.

Or is that giving up after dreaming, living the Warrior's Way?  To what end will we come to in this acceptance of this world.  What happens when the fighter stops the fight?

Ways of the Zen Master

Life is humbling.  People are fickle.  Our minds wrapped in a million directions at once how can you trust in words?  How can you trust in self judgment and betterment, without leaving yourself to the wayside?  How many learning experiences must be passed through before the learning is done, before the lesson is no longer a lesson but the practice of the Zen Master.  And to think we would ever be the master of anything other then our own conscience?  Of our own breath? Of our own heart beating?  We can't even master that.

The only thing right now that is solid, resolute, unchanging are the necks of the dogs I have wrapped myself around, to bask only in their love.  That is real and in exchange I get to take the best care of them that a human possibly can.  I am the Zen Master of scooping dog poop and that is enough.

To tomorrow, that life will be just that, beautiful, solid, resolute..........

www.roamthewoods.com

Understanding

I don't understand what to say to someone when a loved one dies.  It will be okay, with time.  I'm sorry.  I'm here.  All sometimes inadequate, to the grief you feel on your own trying to poorly console, share a chocolate donut.  I'm sorry reaches no bounds, does not touch the feeling of wanting to make it right, with no right answer.
I love you.  What next?  Grief's knife etches brilliant patterns across salty tears tonight.  Somewhere, everywhere.  Here.  Not my own grief but shared in the million mistakes I have made, alongside of the good I have tried to wrought.  Here in pieces tonight, it burns my eyes.

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Ode for Siletta

Time is fleeting.  We all know this.  "Live everyday as if it was your last", self help books catch phrase, all lined up in perfect rows, hogging bookshelves.  It is hard to live this, we embrace the normalcy of every day, as if every day that followed will be just another day.  In which although our lives are not perfect there is enough good, to lead us on another day.  Enough bad that we can leave behind and hope or create a tomorrow that is a little better.  Or at least the same. 

We can seek comfort in those things that do not change.  We seek comfort in the fluffy fur of our true best friends, the ones that pass no judgement and hold no grudges.  The ones that rain or shine, end up on our doorsteps, on the edge of the bed imploring us to love them like they love us.

So in the end, cry.  Let the life they lead be honored and valued, let your love truly be that love without bounds.  Love that does not shift nor end, love for a best friend with sleek fur.

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Your on Your Own

This is Scooter, one of my favorite girls from New Hampshire.  Super shy, stayed one of those last nights cause she got off and I was the only one there that she would come back to. 

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
— Dr. Seuss
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What is Contentment?

You would think with a snoring pit bull next to me named Deja life would be perfect.

It is never what it seems and never quite as simple as we think.

It is in these waiting spaces where I think.  When the wanderings come to an end for a second and I wonder how much have I lost, by jumping, living, waiting, thinking, wasting.......

Where am I really is this waiting space?

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Watching a Train Wreck

Wish I could be as composed as Jack when watching a train wreck about to happen and not wanting to be part of it.  To make a long story short, things got bad here at Smuggler's very quickly and took a turn for the worse on Monday then continued to plummet.  The lack of communication as well as blatant disregard for my need to make arrangements to get out of here played into all of this.  What it came down to was the fact that I didn't want to see either a dog get hurt or a guest get hurt and needed to take care of myself at this point rather then trying to be polite to the company.  I screwed myself over staying that extra night to get Scooter, skittish dog that typically comes up to me, that had gotten off and was hanging around the kennel causing pandemonium as any loose dog will.  Made plans with the owners on what the plan of action was for that week, then heard through the grape vine that they had changed there minds again and no one had seen it fit to let me know.  Meanwhile, I am now trying to plan my flight/bus out from Gorham, NH instead of Burlington, VT when they have decided to stay here so it will be Burlington.  At this point I had enough.  No matter how calm and rational a person is they can only deal with someone jerking them around so much.  So essentially called the boss, left him a message told him where I was at mentally and that I was done, told him to call me back if he wanted to.  Essentially, nothing  came of either of these things.  He called back was angry essentially felt like I was the one jerking him around, too bad we can't see things from other people's point of view...it would be a glorious thing in this case.  In the end at least we agree about something, if you want to leave, leave which was perfect because that was what I had being trying to say the whole time.  Needless, to say it was a long night in which thankfully some security guards took pity on me so I could secure plans to get of here today.  So I should at least be starting my venture home at this point.  Home...well I guess it is the next place I am going.

White Rice and Ketchup Soup

Gretchen and her food bowl are inseparable.  The last couple weeks have been crazy.  I have put in my two weeks notice here at the kennel for a variety of reasons.  What it came down to was running dogs has always been the icing on the cake, and I can't run these dogs, with our Christmas rush their attitude toward running become more of "work" rather then "play" and I can't "drive" sled dogs ( sled dogs always drive you)  that don't have there hearts into the run, if they are hiding in the house when I come around with a harness or are lack luster during the run and after the run, guess what they don't want to run and I am not the person to run them.

So now, I am biding my time trying to keep what heart I have left in it for the dogs and to extract myself as painlessly as possible for the dog's sake.  What is around the corner, I honestly don't know.  I finally got a good fortune cookie, though, so things are looking up.  It was quite fitting for this endeavor I find myself in:  People will not be envious of the life you lead, but they will be proud of you.  Whether I care what people think or not,  it is valid in this situation, who will envy a job less person at this point?  But there is still the category of pride for holding true to personal values.

So a new adventure awaits, perhaps the simple adventure of white rice & ketchup soup for awhile.............